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March 19, 2005

Mike’s Dating Story

(Black Couch Tales) By: Devlyn Steele

Mike was completely stressed when he walked into my office last week. Taking a long drink of water, he slumped onto my black leather couch and sighed.

“Coach,” he said. “I need to get out of my relationship.”

Mike is 38 years old and a successful screenwriter. Mike was also perpetually single with a long history of failed relationships. His situation is typical: he wasn’t necessary afraid of something long-term, he just could never find “the One”. Mike could never stay in a romantic situation for long before moving to something new.

Today’s session was no different. Once again he found himself feeling stuck with someone he didn’t want to be with. He told me his story.

“I met Lexy about a year ago. I was at a bar and there she was. She looked awesome and had a great smile. I was attracted and I just had to get to know her.”

For Mike it always started with physical attraction. He continued, “We really hit it off. The next thing you know, we are heavily involved. Things were great at least…the first six months were a blast…really fun. I think I gained ten pounds though. My buddy calls it the Love Diet. You stop going to the gym, order in, and stay in bed day and night.”

Mike’s enthusiasm began to fade as he said, “After the first six months things slowly started to change. We started to get to know each other outside of the bedroom. The more we talked, the more I realized that I had nothing in common with her. And to be honest…this is sort of rough to admit…I wasn’t interested in a thing she had to say.”

“Our relationship became tense at worst and polite at best. Little things started to bug me. The way she chewed her food drove me insane. The way she laughed…it was this high-pitched squeal that I think only dogs could hear…it made me nuts.”

He sighed. “I’m getting on her nerves too. Last week Lexy nearly shoved me out of bed because she said I was snoring too loud.”

Mike straightened up and locked eyes with me. “We need to break up and it’s been a long time coming anyhow. I’m okay with that. But what I really need to figure out is: what the heck is going on in my relationships? It’s always the same. Is it me? Am I meeting the right women? I’m 38 and I still haven’t figured it out.”

Dating often starts as a chance meeting where physical attraction leads us to relationships we “end up in” rather than a choice we stop and think about. We get caught up in the excitement of meeting someone new. We give in to the rush!
But eventually the “chemical reaction” of attraction begins to sputter. The excitement fades and we often find ourselves with a person we don’t know that well. In Mike’s case, he realized he was with someone he couldn’t stand to be around.

This leads us to online dating. There are aspects of character and personality that will create a bond beyond the initial stage of attraction, and online dating allows us to go beyond the chance meeting, beyond the physical attraction. We can search out potential matches that we might never meet in our everyday lives. With the click of a mouse we have access to a wealth of information: interests, hobbies, passions, lifestyle, beliefs, and more.

Online dating allows us to approach dating from an entirely different angle. Instead of getting to know someone from the outside-in, we can establish a relationship from the inside-out.

Does this “more informed” method your romantic life lead to a more compatible and satisfying relationship? Unfortunately the answer is “No!”

Just like physical attraction alone isn’t enough to carry a long-term relationship, having things in common alone won’t satisfy you. You still need physical attraction. You may find tons of people online who will seem perfect. Then you meet face-to-face and you know in a split-second that this person is not for you. You never really know what will happen until you meet.

But imagine if you are attracted! The reason you decided to meet in the first place was because you have things in common and your personalities meshed. You’ve already laid the foundation to take your dating beyond the physical.

. What online dating really offers is opportunity to find and communicate with lots of people with whom we share common interests and qualities. It’s not the holy grail of dating, but it’s an excellent way to increase your chances of finding something long-term. You may still have to go on many dates to find your match, but that is why the Internet is so exciting! There are always new people to find, and always the opportunity for that next date.

Mike is currently online dating and loving it! I encourage you to give it a try for yourself.

About the Author...
Devlyn Steele ("America's Leading Life-Coach") is a Relationship Coach, Life Coach.
A Columnist as well as radio host. Devlyn has also developed As a Relationship-Coach Devlyn has created the which teaches Internet daters the skills they need to find their perfect matches on their own and offers a complementary e-book at no cost on “How To Choose The Right Dating Site For You.”
Posted by LC at 10:54 AM | TrackBack

March 18, 2005

Essential Top Dating Tips

I thought I would bring you the key dating tips I have gathered along the way in the hope of assisting and enlightening those who need assistance. If you are new to the dating scene, a regular or just simply someone trying to meet someone new there should always be time for top dating tips, advice, information and things to consider. None of us are dating experts otherwise we would have a magic formula to present to others. And no, looks are not the magic formula otherwise all supermodels would be blissfully happy - which they are not my friend. Good looking people the world over struggle when it comes to affairs of the heart. Think of all the major figures in history who have fallen in matters of romance.

The truth is, there are no magic formulas, no perfect tricks of the trade, no cunning ways of trapping Mr. or Miss Right and no top dating tips that wave a magic wand. But there are some essential facts that you should always bear in mind along the way. Dating tips are just that - tips, they are not promises written in stone and different things will always work differently for different people. However, I have noticed that there are some threads of advice that keep cropping up and therefore it is worth reiterating them here.

My Top Dating Tips
  • Get prepared for dating. If you really want to succeed in the dating game, decide who you are looking for, do your research and be ready to commit to dating. Half heartedness won't work. Also prepare for some let downs along the way but don't take dating too seriously either.
  • Get your act together. Begin a regime of looking your best. Join a gym, read health magazines, get fit and start a diet. Get your hair cut or styled and begin a new regime of good grooming or beauty treatment. Though it will not find you a date in itself, you will feel a million times more confident about yourself.
  • Go shopping and treat yourself to new clothes and even a whole new look. Get your image right, one that you can manage and live with, but one that flatters you. Don't go overboard and look like someone you are not but maybe its time to throw out those tired jeans, old sweaters or cardigans and spruce yourself up. People appreciate appearance.
  • Have a good think about what your dating goals are and timescales. Do you see yourself married within 2 years? If you do then approach dating accordingly. If you are more laid back and don't take dating too seriously then ask yourself some honest questions about why you are dating and what you hope to achieve. If it is purely sex then ask yourself if you are about to be honest with those you hope to date.
  • Sort out your confidence levels in advance. By following the first four tips you will feel better and be more focused. Do all the things that will boost your confidence from avoiding negative friends (often the married ones) to attending the right kind of social functions. Couples at dinner parties in suburbia is not necessarily where you need to be right now.
  • Choose those you have a good chance of dating, don't aim low but do aim realistically. In other words, your dating is based on the whole package you present as well as just your personality. If you are looking for a glamour girl or boy and want to date someone trendy and gorgeous then good for you, but be prepared and be realistic about your chances.
  • Work out in advance where in your neighborhood you are likely to meet people and join clubs, societies, sports events, drama groups, anything where you are likely to meet potential partners. The kind of partners you are looking for. I know its a cliché but you will not meet people by staying indoors.
  • Take time off from dating occasionally if its not going well or causing dating fatigue. Dating is an ongoing process and so recharging the batteries and keeping the confidence and optimism levels high is an absolute must. So date in phases if necessary.
  • Enjoy dating for what it is, dating. It is meeting people and socializing and spending time in the company of stimulating individuals who may or may not bring you a sparkle. The fact is, most people are interesting and whilst you may not be out there looking for new friends, you may well find one or two fabulous people along the way.
  • Never ever make yourself too available. People like mystery and enigma and the thrill of the chase when dating. In keeping with this do not sleep with your dates early on if you want them to progress, so keep sex until later. The longer a person is made to chase and fall for you within reason, the more likely that love may blossom. Peak too early and you have little left to offer and emotions may never have had the time to develop.
  • Do Join a quality Internet dating agency for free and do post a photo profile if possible. Take your time and check your mail occasionally. Even if you never date online at least it will boost your confidence and spirits and allow you to Practise your opening lines and chat up skills. Internet dating is fun and secure and introduces you to the world of dating safely and gently.

    by Ian McNeice
    Posted by LC at 12:37 PM | TrackBack

March 16, 2005

Saying 'I love you' often risks rejection

Often it's the case in relationships that one person gets to the point of saying 'I love you' before the other.

The person who says 'I love you' often risks rejection. I am collecting a list of rejections that you may have used or may have heard other people use.

Examples are:

'I love you'

'Yeah, right'

'I love you'

'It's about time'

It is important in minimizing the risk (and also not causally tossing the words around) to make sure your feelings really are genuine; which would be followed by your understanding of your soul mate well enough to know her feelings for you.

When a woman loves you there is no question in the world about it and the words are just icing on the cake.

Some look for a good friend and find a lover -- we were looking for a lover and ended up friends.

You can simply be silent and accept the statement. "I love you" should NEVER be a "yeah, me too" sentiment.

Immaturity in a relationship and messed-up hearts

Do NOT say "I love you" unless you are 150% certain that you truly do love the person you are saying it to -- even and especially if that person has just said the same to you.

Immaturity is the greatest reason for screwed-up lives and messed-up hearts. But a warning to any other women (or men) who know or suspect that someone is falling for them.

NEVER underestimate the capacity of a human being to fool themselves, to become obsessive, to fall in love with someone who has given no sign whatsoever that they're even interested.

Take courage to express undying love

Falling in love with someone you have never met, or only briefly is all too possible and all too frequent. How much easier is it then to fall for someone who is going out with you, flirting with you, hugging and snuggling up to you, ostensibly all in the name of friendship?

Watch what you do, and who you do it to, and don't assume that "oh, it's ok - he knows I don't mean it", or be prepared for some man, or woman, to express their undying love for you when you least expect it.
Posted by LC at 11:51 AM | TrackBack

March 14, 2005

Dating Success Story

Many people wonder if online dating really works. Sure, you see great stories and testimonials on each of the websites but are they real or merely a way of advertising the services? In truth, for many people, online dating does work. By knowing the best services to join, how to flirt and communicate, the right questions to ask members and having a great attitude are what make for the perfect winning combination. The success story below is 100% true and will show you that online dating can be a success story for you!

Taking a Dare

Mark was a senior in high school, spending most of his time playing football as a running back and baseball as the star pitcher. He was tall, had dark hair, dimples, and the most amazing crystal blue eyes. Mark had girls throwing themselves at him every day. In addition to being athletic he was also a great student and had an amazing personality. Okay, so why would Mark join an online dating service? It all started with a dare.

One night while with his football buddies surfing the net, they saw a pop-up ad for a dating service. Deciding to check it out, they entered the site, browsed around, and found it to be quite interesting. Mark snubbed his nose at it saying that it was bogus and only losers used online dating services. Well, that was all it took for his friends to make a dare. "Okay Mark, you think you're so great, you get a date on here and we�ll carry your football equipment for you, for one full month!" With a dare like that, Mark could not refuse.

Having some spare time the following night, Mark began his quest. He went back to the online dating service where they had been the night before. He was not too impressed so he started looking at other sites. Then he came upon one that focused solely on people ranging in age from 16 to 24 and, it offered a full month free trail! Taking his time, he browsed through various photos. After 10 minutes, he opened a photo of a girl his age and Mark�s mouth dropped.

She was naturally pretty but more than that, there was something different, something special about her. Better yet, she lived just 40 minutes from him! Now, the typical in-control Mark felt very vulnerable. If he sent her a message, would she respond? Remembering his dare, he went ahead and wrote a very quick e-mail just to say hi. About 20 minutes later after reading Angie�s profile and browsing other photos, he received an instant message, "Hi Mark � it�s Angie." His heart literally skipped a beat. Nervous, Mark responded, "Hey there".

Well, that conversation led to more conversations and within two weeks, they decided to meet face-to-face. Making matters worse, Mark pulled up to the most gorgeous mansion where Angie, her mother, and her Plastic Surgeon father lived. Now, his old two-tone blue Chevy was not so impressive. What would she think? Bravely knocking on the door, Angie�s father answered, invited him in, and then they chatted before Angie entered the room. That moment, Mark will tell you, was magical. She was truly beautiful and upon seeing Mark, she was just as happy.

That meeting took place five years ago. Both Mark and Angie have finished high school and college, and today, Angie is sporting a beautiful engagement ring, as the two of them plan for their upcoming wedding.

The great thing about online dating is that you can be 16, 50, or 92 and find friends or make a love connection. After all, what do you have to lose but a missed opportunity!
Posted by LC at 12:13 PM | TrackBack

March 12, 2005

Should Women Fake It?

Learning how to establish a healthy sexual relationship.
(Black Leather Couch Tales)
By Devlyn Steele

As soon as Chelsea walked in, she plopped down on the couch and announced, “I am so frustrated.”

“Hello Chelsea,” I said.

Ignoring my greeting altogether, she continued, “No really, Coach, I am.”

A few months earlier, Chelsea, a successful, attractive and very fit thirty-something lawyer, had been involved in a serious quest for a good, long-term relationship. She was in my office explaining how hard it had been to find a man of similar goals and values given her busy lifestyle. I had encouraged her to try online dating. I pointed out that it would be an effective method of connecting with a large number of men that fit her criteria, in the shortest amount of time, with minimal effort.

“Chelsea, please explain,” I replied, taking to her cue to skip the formalities and get right to the point.

“I really did it," she continued, "I changed my pattern, followed your steps, went online and approached my search with a new set of guidelines. I can tell you, it worked! I found the right guy.”


“Well, Ben is a wonderful man. He’s everything I could have hoped for. We have fun together and can agree on just about everything. He’s already my best friend. I even waited this time and didn’t rush into sex.”

She hesitated. I waited for her to continue.

”That’s where the problem comes up, Coach. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I’m frustrated...the sex is not so good. It’s terrible because everything else about our relationship is perfect. I can truly see us building a happy life together.” Then, after a pensive pause, “I’m thinking maybe I should just fake it. The sex should get better, right? Isn’t it ok to fake it for now?”

Chelsea is one of countless women who resort to “faking it” to fool their partners into believing they enjoy lovemaking when they actually do not. Why do so many women feel they have to pretend to enjoy sex instead of actually being able to enjoy it?

Some women simply don’t have orgasms and they feel insecure about it. This is usually the result of growing up with a feeling of shame and guilt about sexuality. From a very young age, girls are sent pretty clear messages that discourage them from expressing and/or fully exploring this aspect of themselves. Consequently, many women have to learn that it is good to get in touch with their bodies on an intimate level and learn how to be turned on. Only then can true sexual enjoyment be experienced.

Men contribute to this problem with their own insecurity and lack of a basic understanding of how women function sexually. Since so many men measure their very degree of “maleness” by their sexual prowess, it has become well established that giving a woman an orgasm is a defining element in what we call manhood. The problem is that when a woman cares enough about a man to become intimate with him, she usually cares enough about his ego to feel incredible pressure to make him believe she thoroughly enjoys sex with him. Some woman experiencing the need to please a man’s ego report faking orgasms “just to end the incessant pounding.”

Men should understand that every sexual encounter will not lead to her having an orgasm, and that it is ok. Not having an orgasm does not mean she did not find the experience pleasurable. Relieving her of this pressure will allow her to become more relaxed and more receptive, thus leading to more orgasms!

I know most men would never admit it publicly, but many could benefit from learning more about how to please women. It is probably a good idea to start by letting go of the notion that the only way a woman can be stimulated to a climax is by way of intercourse. In fact, only about 30% of women can experience orgasm with intercourse alone. That leaves a staggering majority of women who require other forms of stimulation.

I could go on in great detail about this particular issue because it is truly at the heart of so many of these problems. Chelsea’s problems were rooted elsewhere.

Based on her own accounts, Chelsea placed too heavy an importance on creating the “perfect” relationship. She went on and on about what a perfect match she and Ben were. By wanting something so much can create fear and anxiety not allowing you to relax. Nonetheless, Chelsea’s attention became so focused on how perfect their lovemaking should be, that her own natural ability to enjoy the exquisite pleasures of intimacy was severely hampered. To Chelsea, any problem that could taint this otherwise perfect relationship had to be squelched by a quick solution: Fake orgasms. Problem solved. Forgetting that a long-term relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation.

In his 1996 book, Contemporary Interpersonal Theory and Research, Donald Kiesler provided us with a behavior concordance model which explains the Interpersonal Reflex Principle. This basically states that much of our interpersonal behavior is designed to elicit predictable responses from those with whom we interact. These actions put into motion a cycle where one’s behavior is constantly confirming, recognizing, validating and influencing the behavior of others. Sounds complicated but it is not. In essence we are training people what we like and don’t like.

A dog, for example, repeats good behavior rewarded. However, if you reward a dog for unwanted behavior like begging at the table, the dog will repeat that behavior and always beg. To fake an orgasm is to confirm to your partner that what they were doing was good. This creates a positive feeling in your partner and they will do more of the same. Unlike the dog, training your partner to perform this trick will not leave you begging for more.

Trying to break the cycle will confuse your partner creating doubt. Your partner will lose confidence and never know when to trust you, is he pleasing you or not? When this happens sex will only get worse and the relationship strained.

“To answer the question should women fake it? No! Never fake it.”

Problems, as much as we would like them to, do not just go away. The longer you go without confronting and handling them, the bigger they become. Sexual dissatisfaction is one of the leading causes of couples splitting up. The number one reason for sexual dissatisfaction is lack of communication. Forgoing communication and opting to simply fake it will only widen the gap between you two and ultimately ruin the relationship.

It is vital that you develop a level of communication with your partner that allows for frank and honest about sex talk. But, how do you tell your partner what turns you on? First set the ground rules between yourselves that sex talk is healthy, fun and in no way to be taken in an offensive manner, then:

Talk during sex. Don’t be afraid of hurting your partner’s ego by taking the time to teach them what brings you the most pleasure. Men in particular are very eager and happy students in this area. Just relax. It is ok to ask, “Do you like this?” or “How does this feel?” By all means, if you are asked such questions, be honest with your answers: “Yes, that feels good.” or, “I liked it when you did this instead” and, “It really turns me on when you do this.” Never ask after sex, “Was it good?” I can tell you that no one likes to be asked this question. File it under the same category as “Do I look fat in this?”

Talk about sex when you are not having sex. Ask questions and keep learning more about each other. Tell each other your fantasies and be willing to explore them, within reason. Opening and maintaining these communication lines will make you both more comfortable about the subject. Talking can also serve to build excitement as prolonged foreplay.

Buy books and explore together. Here is another peculiar aspect. We want sex, think about sex and are bombarded with it all over television, movies and advertisements. Oddly, very few of us study anything about it. A man will invest an exorbitant amount of time learning the parts of an engine or memorizing sports stats, but spends zero time learning about the female orgasm. Both women and men should take every opportunity to become students of sex together. Not only is it very sexy to learn together, you will both benefit from it greatly in the long run.

If you are in a relationship, starting a new one, or looking to get into one, learn that ultimately communication is the key to building a healthy and enjoyable sex life together. Let us do away with this notion that it is somehow wrong or shameful to talk openly about sex or that you can offend each other. I find it interesting that couples can be intimate with each other, yet feel uncomfortable discussing the intimacy. So, talk, learn, teach and, most importantly, have fun!

About the Author... Devlyn Steele ("America's Leading Life-Coach") is a Relationship Coach, Life Coach. A Columnist as well as radio host. Devlyn has also developed teaches Internet daters the skills they need to find their perfect matches on their own and offers a complementary e-book at no cost on “How To Choose The Right Dating Site For You.”
Posted by LC at 12:05 PM | TrackBack

March 09, 2005

Finding a Safe Dating Site

Seems like everywhere we surf on the Internet nowadays we run across this little advertisement: 'Free online personals'. They are everywhere, they are dating sites, and more are opening up shop every day.

Welcome to the newest internet gold rush. More and more people are signing up to these new and "free" dating sites. What they are really getting is a place on the web where they can post their profile and let strangers contact them. As more and more dating sites pile up on the web, more people are ending up with very distasteful experiences because of this. Why? 99% of today's (and tomorrow's) dating sites do not screen their members at all. This means there are sex offenders, predators, scam artists mixed in with genuine people who are looking to find a match. Dating services need to be very discretionary and much safer, until that time comes here are some important things to consider when thinking about joining a dating site.

1). Examine the site's physical properties. Is it poorly constructed with missing graphics or jagged fonts, mis-aligned sections? If so, this indicates a lack of attention to detail in the construction and layout of the site. It may have been pre purchased and the owner does not have the skill to alter it correctly. Why would you care? Well, a site in a state like this gives a clue that the back end program probably is also in a state of disarray or disregard. If the webmaster cannot construct the face of the site, then it is likely they cannot also construct important safety features behind the site. A hacker then could easily penetrate it and get your personal information including your photo. If you eventually pay this site, your credit information could be stolen as well! A nicely designed site means careful construction and a better chance of good quality code running the site in the background.

2). Look at some sample profiles on the site before you sign up by running a quick search.Do the profiles look a little bogus? A lot of them are. Many sites (especially new ones that have just started up) pad their membership database with photos of models or random (usually good-looking people) to attract new members. Do the profiles have a lot of jibberish characters or nonsensical phrases in the descriptions? That means the dating site you are at does NOT screen the people who sign up. This welcomes people with ill-intent. You should get out of there immediately and go to one that does.

3). Does the site have a privacy link?Look at the bottom of the site's main page. If they have a privacy link, click it and examine. Make sure they specifically state that they do NOT sell your information to anyone. This is an invitation to a spam and junk-mail nightmare. Also look for some sort of a web site rules page or a terms of use page. Check to see if they screen their profiles or somehow >disallow racial, hate or overly sexual material. If they don't state this than, anything goes for this site, another reason to leave.

4). Does the site have a links page?If so click and examine. See who they are affiliated with. Usually, there will be graphical banners or icons next to the names of their associations. Are they sex-sites? Spam sites? Even a quick glance in this area could tell you what kind of a dating site you are at.

5). What is the copyright date at the bottom?This could indicate the age of the site. If it is very young, this could help you determine if the site has worked out all the kinks (program bugs) and how many members they have accumulated.

6). Be wary of statementslike "You are the 4697th member to join today." and "Search through millions of profiles." these statements are usually false. Major sites, which have been running for YEARS usually can support these statements. look for a "whos online" link. If you are the only person (1 guest online means JUST you are there) then you know these claims are false. A site with millions or even thousands of members will always have a bunch of people currently online. If you detect this in a dating site, it is better to leave than to take a chance with a dishonest site. This is just a short list of ideas to help keep you safe when dating online.
Posted by LC at 12:08 PM | TrackBack

March 07, 2005

Women Want To Date You

Most guys have a mind set of when they go out to meet and approach women that it is up to them to do all the work.

Most guys forget that women think the exact same thing. When girls go out they are as interested in getting a date as the guys who approach them.

When a girl goes out she spends double the amount of time we spend getting ready, they are a lot more interested in clothes than we are, they were make up. I hope you get the point.

Women use every measure possible to look good.

Being men we don't have to go to such measures but we still try are best to impress.

Learning to get out of the mind set that men want to date women more than women want to date men can be difficult. For so long it is we must approach women, we must impress women, if women don't like us it is our fault.

When you meet new people in work, college, groups how long does it take you to adjust and feel totally comfortable with your surroundings and people around you.

Then imagine when you approach a girl, you have to gain this same feeling of karma in a much less period of time.

Girls are exactly the same. They need to adjust.

Someone they don't know is speaking to her, she is taking a while to adjust. It is normal.

Most men assume that when you approach a girl and she doesn't greet you with open arms and a huge smile that you are going to be unsuccessful.

If I counted the amount of women I approached I can assure you that over 70% of them look uptight, nervous and unsure.

That is why you have to use the power of words and body language.

For example if you are going onto a game show and everyone sounds and looks nervous it will in turn make you feel nervous no matter how confident you were feeling before hand.

To be successful with women you have to close the barrier of stranger to friend quickly. The quicker you do this the more successful you will be.

Humor, smiling, eye contact, is all a great way to do this. Confidence makes women feel more at ease.

by Chris Fox
Posted by LC at 03:23 PM | TrackBack

March 05, 2005

Online Dates

... Probably everyone is being tired, once in a while, of a daily routine of his life. You begin looking for something new, and online dates, in this case, is the best way to get what you are looking for. Be it a long-term relationship or a short-term, it's some kind of a new experience, refreshing and easy going, if only you want it to be so. And there are virtually no limits to your choice: you may have online dates from any part of the world.

Though, some limits there are, of course. It's your ability to make contacts, to express yourself, to put into words what you feel, what you think, what you worry about. And not in the least degree - the number of languages you can actively use. For your online dates might be from any continent, and you need a mutual understanding.

At the same time it's an impulse for you for learning, for advancing in this or that direction, and you are giving the same impulse to those, with whom you've come in contact through internet, that is to your online dates. If you feel that learning something new is making your life more interesting and richer, this is exactly the kind of experience you need.

Surely, it may happen also that your relationship will turn out to be a real romance and will provide you with a life partner, but in any case your online dates make your life more fruitful, more vivid even. It's the opportunity one must never reject.
Posted by LC at 04:08 PM | TrackBack

March 03, 2005

Tips for Your First Date

Making the date

Make the first date a casual and short one for coffee or light lunch. Unless you are really comfortable, avoid dinner date. Set the time which you can keep. Changing the first date gives the wrong impression.

Although your objective is finding a new lover or friend, you don’t really know this person. Safety should be an important consideration. Always set up the first date at a public place where there are a lot of other people and you should be able to get away at will if you so desire. Let a friend or relative know about this date—time and place as well as whom you are meeting.

Before the Date:

You want your date to be natural, but you also want to appear interesting. Update yourself with current events, topics, new movies, books, and music, etc. If you regularly read newspapers and magazines, you are already prepared. Have some topics in mind in case you need to initiate a new conversation topic.

Wear clean and stylish cloths, and gloom yourself a bit—to show the better side of you. But do not overdress or over-gloom—you may not look natural or you may even scare your date away.

Do not accept ride to and from the meeting place from your date. You should arrange your own transportation until you become very comfortable. Do not include your children or friends in the date—you will have opportunities to do so later.

Bring some money, and offer to pay for your meal, etc. But if your date offers to pay, do not over-insist on paying for yourself.

When you meet that person:

Whether you are a man or woman, confidence makes you more attractive. Feel confident, be friendly, maintain your sense of humor and be light hearted. If you need to ease any nervousness, tell yourself “If it does not work out, it’s not the end of the world. There are thousands of others to date.” Being at ease with the situation will greatly enhance your ability to handle the date. Remember that the other side is just as anxious. You are more attractive when you are natural, honest and be yourself.

Call your date by her or his name, make frequent eye contacts and generally be warm—these gestures will make your date more comfortable and show the real her or him.

Most importantly, DO NOT TALK TOO MUCH. Usually nervous people tend to talk a lot. Let your date talk more than you do. Your date will feel it was a successful rendezvous, and you will have more opportunity to observe if this person is for you. Be honest about what you say. Listen to what he or she says with interest. Find something positive about your date, and compliment him or her. Stay away from heavy or controversial topics (politics and religion among them) at the first date. Upon completion, thank him/her for the date, but do not offer or promise to call unless you really mean it.
Posted by LC at 10:00 AM | TrackBack

March 02, 2005

Dating tips step by step

Your personal image.

It only takes 4 seconds to make that first impression - seventy five percent of this is based on how you look whereas only two percent is based on what you say.

Sending out the right signals is vitally important. If you do not you will attract the wrong individual for you and the main idea of dating is attracting!

How you attract people is by conveying a correct and positive image that is a true indication of who you are. False messages will mean that you come across as false.

Everything you wear is a statement and reflects your self-image. People have psychological responses to your personal image and evaluate whom you are, what you do and what your interests may be all from how you look.

Understanding who you are
1. Work out your perceived value and then raise it by twenty points. Everyone has a market value, based on a combination of things like their looks, emotional literacy, income and sense of humour. You need to get really honest with yourself about your score out of 100. If you’re shooting for someone who’s more than 20 points out of your league you better upgrade yourself or prepare for misery.

Projecting who you are
1. Get out more. Triple your dates. If you’re serious about finding your perfect partner then it has to become a mission. Leaving it to fate may work for some people but it’s a very risky strategy that can go badly wrong. It’s important to get at least as serious as you would about looking for a great house to buy or a new career.

2. Face your fear
If you’re getting lots of exposure and no luck there’s something wrong. Get help. Learn to use your assets. You need to find out how you are getting in your own way both consciously and unconsciously. Do you need to learn how to appear more relaxed? Do you need to finesse your flirting? If you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you always got.

3. Cultivate a love for life not just flashy dating skills.
It’s no good finding Mr or Miss Right if you’ve got nothing to keep the connection going. A flashy smile and a great body will only get you so far. They score very highly in terms of initial attraction but people are desperate for depth and connection. If you can uncover your love for life you’re more likely to find a lover for life.

4. Be the center of attention
Want to be the one who gets noticed? Stand in the centre of the room. According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, the author of several books and internationally-known expert in the field of spatial psychology, where you are in a room (and what you're doing) has a lot to do with your ability to attract the opposite sex. Where should you be for the highest impact and the greatest number of interested cuties? Smack-dab in the center of the room, standing up and moving around a bit. (But don't pace a track on the carpet for goodness sake...) If you're in a bar or nightclub, the best place to be is at one of the corners on the bar. Not only will you meet more people, but, according to Mehrabian, bartenders tend to gravitate toward the corners as well. Interesting conversation AND a full drink? You'll feel like you've died and gone to dating heaven. The worst place to be seen? Hanging out near the wall or sitting at a table. That hot stranger approaching your table and asking "may I join you" only happens in the movies. Dating patterns 1 Take out your trash.
You already have a relationship history that can tell you everything you need to know about why you’re not already in a long term, committed relationship. Make the time to observe the patterns you repeat in relationships as they are based on your past. If you’ve got any insecurity, fear or even desperation, it shows and needs to be dealt with. If you don’t complete your past you are doomed to repeat it.

2. Is this a romance or just a bit of raunch?
Know that the context a relationship begins in will generally determine its future. If you start out with a fling and then it becomes a more serious romance you need to know that at the first sign of trouble it’s very likely that one partner, will say something like "Oh well, it was only a fling, time to move on."

3. Pay attention to chemistry.
For a long term relationship to flourish you need three pieces of chemistry. You need best friend chemistry, you need sexual chemistry and you need practical chemistry. The last one is often overlooked, ideally you live in the same part of the country, you keep the same kind of hours and you’re both available for the relationship you want.

4. Listen out for your warning bells.
It’s very easy to waste months or even years in a relationship you know just won’t work in the long term. These are the ‘better than being alone’ types. Listen to your intuition, what do you know right now is going to be a problem a year or even three years from now. If it can be fixed now would be a good time to get started. Be discerning, relationships are easy to get into and yet, like a bullet wound, very messy on the way out.

5. Chuck out the checklist.
Whilst it’s important to know exactly what it is you need to be true in your perfect partner a list can become a liability. It’s important to work out what is essential as opposed to just a luxury. You’d be amazed at how many women are limiting their life looking for taller men. Be open to surprises in unpredictable packages.

6. Take it slowly.
Slow down, for most of us, things get a lot more complicated as soon as you start having penetrative sex. It makes much more sense to get to really know someone.

Body language

1. First Impressions
Boring but true, you have four seconds to make an impact and let the other person know you’re someone they want to spend more time with. We process so much information subconsciously that you really must make an effort to sort out your first impression. If you’re unsure about how you are perceived ask your friends to tell you the truth. Aim to smile brightly and pay the person a compliment as a starting point. Consider using a tooth whitener such as Pearldrops to ensure a dazzling smile.

2. Quality
Quality indicates how much you value yourself. Choose natural fabrics rather than made-made, a good cut garment and ...up your budget - although this does not guarantee better quality, you have a better chance of creating an impression that you care about yourself and therefore you care for your date too.

3. Authority
Authority indicates your status. Making a statement by wearing authoritative items will give you more credibility and make you appear more confident and capable. Items that project authority include a jacket, a belt, jewellery, make-up, shoes and a bag. Plus your accessories such as a mobile, wallet and a diary. Ensure you invest more in these items and incorporate them into your look. Your date will be impressed.

4. Grooming
Grooming – This indicates your respect for yourself and others. Avoid looking like you have just had a real hard day at the office or just come from the gym. Brushing your hair, cleaning your teeth, washing your face and touching up the make-up, will be appreciated. This is an intimate experience when you will be talking up close and personal with your date.

5. Work to date
From work to date – Unless you feel your work wardrobe reflects you as a person, change your clothes! A suit can appear too formal for some and as if you are fitting the date into your busy schedule. If you cannot change at least take off your tie – this will make you more approachable and open.

6. Finishing touches
Finishing Touches – What would you like others to know most about you? Think of that and add a finishing touch to your outfit that you feel reflects this. E.g. a joker – a comic slogan top; a glamour kitten – some glitzy eye shadow; a creative – an unusual texture or pattern.

7. Be the center of attention
Want to be the one who gets noticed? Stand in the centre of the room. According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, the author of several books and internationally-known expert in the field of spatial psychology, where you are in a room (and what you're doing) has a lot to do with your ability to attract the opposite sex. Where should you be for the highest impact and the greatest number of interested cuties? Smack-dab in the center of the room, standing up and moving around a bit. (But don't pace a track on the carpet for goodness sake...)

If you're in a bar or nightclub, the best place to be is at one of the corners on the bar. Not only will you meet more people, but, according to Mehrabian, bartenders tend to gravitate toward the corners as well. Interesting conversation AND a full drink? You'll feel like you've died and gone to dating heaven. The worst place to be seen? Hanging out near the wall or sitting at a table. That hot stranger approaching your table and asking "may I join you" only happens in the movies.

8. Body talk that reels 'em in
How do you use body language to attract the opposite sex? If you're a woman, the key is to make yourself approachable. According to nationally-respected body language expert and professional speaker, Patti Wood, you want to make yourself a "safe" (read approachable) target. How do you accomplish that? Don't take up a lot of space (which is a sign of power and superiority.) Wood says, "we are strong women, but remember, we're trying to get a man to come over and talk to us." She explains, "you have to show you have room for someone else in your life."

In addition, Wood says "to be very approachable women should stand with their feet no farther than 6 inches apart with toes pointed slightly inward. " Other key moves, the nod and the head tilt - signal you're listening to what the other person has to say.

For men, appearing more dominant effectively draws the attraction of women. To attract women, stand with your feet 6-10 inches apart, and toes pointing outward. Feel free to take up some space. For men who are victims of the "nice guy" badge, or who appear to be too submissive to attract women, try taking your Y chromosome out for a spin. According to Mehrabian, men should "try wearing bulkier or more conservative hairstyles or clothing," hold your head up, and speed up your speech and gestures to be more assertive.

Body language tips for both sexes: Don't fold your arms and don't chew on gum, ice or your fingernails. According to Wood, the chewing indicates anxiety or frustration, neither of which are very attractive emotions.

9. The power of a smile
Psychology and body language experts agree that one of the most important things you can do to make yourself more attractive (and approachable) is to smile. Not a great big plastic game-show smile, just your normal "I'm having a great time and I'm happy to be here" face will do the trick. According to Wood, "the smile is the international signal of friendliness."
Posted by LC at 12:17 PM | TrackBack

March 01, 2005

Make your first dates

... Make your first dates and your life more spicy with the help of our dating tips, first date ideas, dating advice and first date tips. Interesting ideas for everyone.

Go to the movie
This is a terrific first date idea. Everybody likes watching movies. It's fun, entertaining, and it is not necessary to be alone with the person. There is even a posibility to save your money. You could go on a cheap day of the week for example. The only problem is that you can't talk during the show. On the other hand it makes a great first date for those people who are too shy. Comedies are a sure winner since everyone likes to laugh and it's a great conversation piece for afterwards.

Romantic Dinner
You can make a classic first date. You will have to spend some money for this date but it can help you to make for a romantic evening. If you want to get to know someone more intimately then this is the best way to do it. The main problem is that you will have to make up some topics to talk about for an extended period of time beforehand. If this is a problem for you then I suggest you ask your friends to help you. You could ask friends of opposite sex for a piece of advice about what to say, how to behave etc.

This is one of the most popular first dates.It is inexpensive, then you can have fun dancing and also have great conversations. Finaly, you will be surrounded by the people you are familiar with so it will make things much more comfortable. This is a great first/second date idea that can be used either by a girl or a guy.

Go to the Zoo
This is one of the greatest ideas for a first date. It's inexpensive, fun and a great conversation piece. You can make up lots of things to talk about while doing through all the different exhibits.

If you both know the person who is hosting the party or if you both know some other people who will be there it will turn out to be one of the best meetings in your life. If there aren't any parties around you could create one yourself? You can have a video party, beer party or even have a pizza party where everyone can make or bring their own pizza. You could combine such party with a picnic in the open air if the weather is good enough.
Posted by LC at 10:22 AM | TrackBack